Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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