the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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