Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
