So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
