What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
