Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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