Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
