Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
