Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
