I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
