Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
