why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
