Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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