I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
