My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
People in love make me want to vomit
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
