if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
