Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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