we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
