I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
