well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I stole a fireplace last night.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
