Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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