We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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