Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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