My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
