i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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