Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
