I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
