Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
