Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
