there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
