I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
