I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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