RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
