so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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