There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
