Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize