No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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