Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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