I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
