NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
