textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
