Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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