some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
