What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
