im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
