wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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