Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
