I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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