I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
