I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You left your phone here
Wait...
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