About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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