i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
