Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
NoShamevember. You game?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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