my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
