My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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