i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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