Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
