My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
