Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
