Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
