i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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