I hope my margaritas pass through security.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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