I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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