i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
